Machinery, don’t fail me. I’m fixing these things, As they’re falling apart.

11/28/09

Hi, well its been awhile. Things have got better but things have got worse. I sorta wish I was a good writer. Maybe this would be more enjoyable to read. Oh well, theres maybe one person who reads thing. So whats the point? I’m writing because I’m bored, Because I have nothing else to do besides the fucking pile of homework. I just dont even wanna think about that….  Thinking is something I’m trying not to do. Thinking never helps.

11/29/09

Do you ever feel like you dont fit in? Or that your second best to every person out there?  Well, thats my everyday life. I hate how I can’t be myself around anyone. I mean like truly myself.  I’ve become the master of lying and faking smiles and happiness. I dont even know who the real me is. I try so hard to be liked or loved the real me has just left. 

I know everyone is dying. I know that you die alone too.  I’m not really scared of death. I dont want to die anytime soon, but I would like to die young.  Knowing the time and how i’m going to die scares the shit out of me. I would love to stay dumb and not know. I think thats why 2012 scares me soo bad. I’ve read the bible. I know that god can come any time he wants. He could come now. I hope that he comes when I’m dead and gone. 

I know that things have to get worse before they can get better. But if they get any worse I’m going to go crazy. The world we live in scares me. I have a baby cousin who’s two. He is so cute and I love him with all of my heart. But he’s to little to be scared for his future. But I’m not. I lay awake sometimes thinking about what will it be like when he’s 16. My thinking scares me to where I hardly get any sleep. 

I know my life isnt perfect. I know it could be a whole lot worse but it could be a whole lot better. I wish I was as happy as the rest of my friends. I hate myself sometimes. I want to be happy so much it hurts. My neighbor says if I find love I’ll be happy. My other friend says if I ‘don’t give a shit’ about anything that I’ll be so happy. Thats just not me though. I mean sure finding love would be wonderful, But I dont care about it right now. And I can’t care about things. That would be way to much to ask. I’m sorry. I can’t help it.  

11/30/09

I’m not writing too much today. I’m pretty sick. Thats what I get for not sleeping right? I’ve made stupid mistakes in the past, who hasn’t? But for some reason I try to forget mine and they decided to repeat them selves. Like you know how history repeats itself. I have this friend rule. We will only be best friends for three years. It’s not you, its me. Truly I’ll push you away and not even mean to. I havent had one best friend for more than three years. I’ve been through so many best friends. And my mom wonders why I forgot my childhood. I’m lonely now with three best friends and if I had none then…. Oh dear.. I feel sorry for my younger self.  haha.

12/01/09

Hi, December. I missed you. Even though your going to suck this year. I still love you. I should really be getting ready for school. To bad I’m on here writing this shit. haha. Well as you can tell I guess this is like a journal well it’s not really one of those. I truly dont know what you would call this. Me just typing what i’m feeling/thinking at that moment in time? Oh well, school will suck today…. I’ve been up since 12:30.. ughhhhhh… I hate long days. I truly hate school anymore. It’s not fun. I miss how it used to be. When i didnt push people away as bad.  Now thats all I ever do. Besides bitch. I do that a lot to. See? I’m bitching right now. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch……. So, come to find out I make people feel bad because I make it see that they make everything worse for me. When truly I’m the only person that makes me feel that way. When people try and see whats wrong, if I love and trust you, I’ll tell you. But if I dont tell you it means I dont want you to fucking keep on and on and on. That does not help… ever. It makes me wanna hit you. just saying. haha.

I wish I was anywhere but here…

Well lets start this thing off right, with a list of things I hate about myself……….

yep, sounds like the right thing to do…..

• I hate that I’m not good enough for my dad’s standards.
• I hate that I can’t trust people.
• I hate that I especially can’t trust girls.
• I hate that I dwell on the past.
• I hate that I never let anyone in.
• I hate that I have to pretend to be someone I’m not.
• I hate that I try to please people around me rather than myself.
• I hate that I’m not pretty.
• I hate that I can’t stand who I am.
• I hate that I cut myself.
• I hate that I let cutting get out of control,
• I hate that I let the cutting get this bad.
• I hate that I can’t talk to people.
• I hate that I can never open up.
• I hate that I always feel like people are going to end up leaving me.
• I hate that I doubt myself.
• I hate that I always look for mistakes in everything I do.
• I hate that I always feel that I can do better.
• I hate that I can’t help people.
• I hate that I can’t control everything that’s going on.
• I hate that I have no one close to me that I trust to confide to.
• I hate that I don’t have control over my life.
• I hate that this list is so long.
• I hate that I can add more to this list.

End of list. How’d you like it? Not very much?  I didnt enjoy writing it so we are even.

Moving on… New topic. Woo! Sounds fun, right? not really.  Apologies. Thats the next topic. I told you it wasnt fun! I only have a few people I need to apologize too so I might not be to long.

Lets start off with my friends.

Friend #1: I’m sorry yo.  I’m sorry I’m so scared to tell you whats fully wrong with me because I’m scared that I’ll be a bother. I feel your in college and thats enough stress on you and that my stupid little high school problems dont help any. You help me so much.  Without you I would have ended it. I wish I knew what to say when you vent to me. It kills me that I cant help you any. And I know you care. If you didnt care you would have not asked whats wrong when i’m sad. I know this isn’t the best written apology. But oh well. I love you dear.

Friend#2 :I’m sorry man. I know you get mad when I  say that to you but, there it is.  Typed on my blog.  Here I’ll type it again just to get my point across. I’m Sorry.But why am I sorry you wonder? Because you need a better friend than me. I’m a worthless cutterwho bitches a lot, yo. And I’m not ‘putting myself down’.  It’s the truth.  I’m not trying to make you mad or piss you off. I just wanted to tell you. So, its like this. I haven’t decided to send this to you yet. But when you get a message that says ‘Blog…. :/’. DONT READ IT!  Well it’s a little late for that now isn’t it? haha. Did I get a little smile out of that? A giggle if I’m lucky? Is my randomness making the mood any better? I’m sorry if it’s not. Oh, and i’m sorry that you’ve been a great mood for the past….. umm… well awhile, and I havent been in the best of moods. Friend#1dont feel bad because Friend#2has a longer section. I just have more to say to him because I’m a chicken and I cant just come right out with it and say how sorry I am to him…. Will Friend#2, Please dont beat me up after you read this. talk to me about it. Please dont hate me. And again I am truly am sorry. Just count how many sorry’s there are and i’ll give you a dollar for each one. promise!

Okay so now I’m down with the friends. Now on to my family. If your still reading this it must mean you care. and I love you for that.

Mom: I’m sorry i dont want to go into the medical field. I know I’ve let you down. I’m sorry I’m a bitch to you all the time. I’m sorry I treat you like shit. Mommy, I love you. And I dont ever want to lose you.

Dad: I’m sorry I’m such a let down.  Do you know you cause most of my pain? I know you hate me.  Lets stop playig with my heart, hmm? sounds like a plan to me. I love you daddy. Cant you see?  ://////

Little brother: Shit, I just lost the Game. i love you man. I hate seeing you cry. And I know i cause you pain. I dont mean to really. I’m sorry I make you feel like a worthless person and an outcast. I love you.

 

To everyone else: I love you and I’m truly sorry I bitch alllllllll the time. If you dont want to hear it. shut me up! jezzzz!

And to you ex-best freind: I miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I mis your hugs. I miss how we would fight all the time. but, losing you was for the better and I can see that now. Truly, Out of losing you I found 3 Great friend. Even though for some reason you enjoy seeing me in pain and you keep bringing up the past still somewhere in my heart I still care for you.  

I think I might wrap this up and go and do my homework……

I hate homework…

 

 

-Chilo.

Welcome To The Real World?

So,  I have a problem. I cant remember where life started to suck so bad.  I mean I think back to before My mamaw died and life was great. I had a lot of friends and I didnt cry hardly at all………

Now everything different, I hate life truly. I’m the person who is second best to everyone. I let people run all over me. Why would anyone enjoy being put down like that.  I’ve started doing ‘things’ again. I’ve told four people. The people I’ve told I know truly care. I hate it… I’m such a worthless person. I’m a lost cause. No one reads this. So I can say whatever I want, right? Wrong. I would put something and then someone would then find this and read it.  So, I plan on writing a book. Yep I’ll write it before I kill myself. if I ever do.  No, I dont plan on dying now. But who knows what will happen down the road, hmm?  I need a plan. 

So, on to more ranting. Why would someone be friends with you if they never really cared? You would think that after the third friend leaving me that I would not care or it wouldnt hurt, right? Wrong, It hurts the same.  Truly the more it happens the worse it gets.  I hate you, you know. For all the pain you put me through. All the tears I cried were as pointless as the good times we ever had.  But you know thanks to you I have a few good friends.

So, Its 1:58AM And I have writers block.  And I’m trying to finish this blog up and the harder I try the harder it is not to just clear this and not even post it. I’m trying to forget this last year has ever happened. I want to go back and live in last summer where everything was great. On the 12 of this month my mamaw will be dead a year.  In the spring of the year it will make a year ago he gave up on me. But, as all of this is happening I gained 2 best friends. Our one year is coming up guys, do you want me to make a cake?  

Wait, I changed my mind. I dont want to back to that time.  Even though I’m not really happy with my life, I happy with the friends I have.  I happy with you guys. I feel bad now for wanting to go back. If I would go back I wouldnt have you. My life with out you guys would be pointless.  I would like to thank you. Thank you for caring enough to stay up half the night as I cry to you.  This blog has made me see things a little better.

So now this must come to a end so I can post this so Cameron can read it. haha.

-Chilo

I need to find my way back to the start….

Hello.

I’m in KY for the week and I have nothing to do today so I thought why not write a blog.  So, I’m 16. I had a wonderful birthday. I went and saw The Hangover with Cheyenne. I love that girl. I can’t Wait for All Time Lows new cd to come out!(July7!) I’m pretty excited for warped tour. =] I’m taking Cheyenne, Brittany,Sarah,Crissy,Nessie,and Brittany. Fuck thats A LOT of kids man.  Band I have to see are def All Time Low, Chiodos, Forever The Sickest Kids,The Maine,And more! But I’ve got to go clean.

Cya!

How does it feel to know that you’ve taken someone’s smile?

So summer is here and I am very excited! I cant wait for my birthday. =] Its in 12 days. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing for it. I think I’m going to have a lil get together and eat cake and ice cream. Whoa what a sweet 16. But my plans for this summer is to get my learners, Sarah’s spending a week down here Then I’m going down there for a week. And when I get back from there band starts. I have a very empty yet full summer. But I am most def going to hang out with Cheyenne all summer. Or at least most of it.=] But, My past week has been mucho crappy. Tyring to save my ass from failing the 10th grade and trying to fix friendships with people was something no student should go through but I got to be the lucky one to be put through it. go me. So I was way to stressed and depressed to do anything. and the shit kept coming… I feel like I’ve made Cameron mad. Because he has been in such a good mood all week and I’ve  been depressed. And every time we talk I end up complaining about stupid shit… Like today, That’s all I did was complain. And he stopped talking to me. I know I’ve fucked up.. So this is pretty great, not.  But, I’m super sleepy so I’m going to bed. Nighty Night Yo!

 

 

 

Big Plans Of Sleeping In………………

This weekend has been great!  My wonerful friend Sarah came in. I miss her. She’s great. I hope she gets to come down for my birthday!(Which is in 25days!) But besides Sarah coming in I had a cupcake ‘Party’. Which is where you and a bunch of friends get together and make cupcakes. We ended up playing UNO and making a fire.  Then Sunday I had a cookout and then hung out with Cheyenne.  I’m so ready for school to be out.  Lord, I wish the 6th would just get here allready. =/

Well Thats it. =P

Comment if you would like.

I’M Made Of Wax, Larry, What Are You Made Of?

So,  I’m pretty sure I’m going to take this blog thing for real. Because I’m starting to feel even worse after I talk to people about my problems. Because they didnt sign up to listen to me bitch all the time. And anymore thats all it seems I do. So what A better way to get things off your mind then a blog, right? Oh well. I bet maybe 3 people will really just sit down and read this. But I could care fuckin less. =]

So, the topic that has been on my mind is friendships and people I love. I’ve just found out that I have a few good friends that will listen and try to help.  Some of thoses amazing people are Cheyenne, Domenick, and Cameron. 

Cheyenne is the most amazing person I have ever met. Shes just an all around great person. She helps me soooooooo much. She understands everything! I love this girl to death. I think she is the only friend thats a girl thats really cared.  For some reason I’m friends with guys more then I am girls. I just dont trust girls. But I trust Cheyenne. =]

Me and Domenick are so close because we get each others thoughts when no one else can. I can come to him with anything and he would never get mad or upset. I guess he’s like my other half.  I love this man. He would talk to anyone about there problems.  He’s just so knid to be treated the way he is by everyone..

Cameron would help anyone with there problems. He’s helped soo much. Me and Cameron think alike. We both would do anything to help people.  I just wish I could help him with his problems. I bet I could if he would tell me them.

I wish I could put in words how much these three people have help  me.  I mean I have more then 3 friends but these are the best.  I know for a fact if it wasn’t for them I would be dead.  I’m glad to have them in my life.

So , I think its time for a new topc. hmmmmm…….. What to write about……. Oh! I’m having a Cupcake Party tomorrow. I’m sort of excited. But, wouldn’t you be! Its a fuckin cupcake party! ahh!

Soo, Thats all I can think of to talk about. hmmm..  Thanks for reading. Comment if you would like.

iPhone 3.0?

Are the really coming out with a new one?

I’ll be pissed if they do!

I just got the iPhone 3G.

wtf?

This happened the last time I got an iPhone.

I got my old iPhone for 400$ last spring, Then in June they came out with the  iPhone 3G!

So, I get the iPhone 3G and they have to come out with a new one.

Fuck.

I dislike apple somtimes.

=[

 

xoxo

-Chilo

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